Two years ago, almost to the day, I
was a youth leader for our church. I was responsible for teaching a
lesson every other Sunday to the 14 and 15-year-old girls, and helping
them plan and execute their mid-week activities. One particular week in
August they had decided to go ice blocking. Now, for anyone who does
not know what that is, I shall explain. You sit on a block of ice and
slide down a grassy hill. That's about it. I had never been ice
blocking before, so I was anxious to give it a try. I picked up a van
full of girls, bought 6 blocks of ice at a gas station and we made our
way to a park that featured a phenomenally steep hill.
It was a
lovely summer evening, and I enjoyed watching the girls act like silly
children while they whooshed down the hill on their giant cubes of ice.
When everyone had had a few turns, I decided to take a ride myself. So
I placed my towel atop the ice, sat my giant rear end on the block and
scooted off. It was similar to one of those carousels outside shopping
centers that you put your quarter in and slowly revolve in a circle for a
lousy minute or so. The experience wasn't nearly as exhilarating as it
looked, and I was left feeling a little jipped.
I carried the
block of ice back up the hill, and as I crested the top, I saw It. The
long, metal slide. And of course, I thought, "Oh, man! It would be so
cool for someone to go down that on their block of ice." (I know - only
a fool would do such a thing, but wait for it...)
Now this was
no sissy kid slide. It was about 25 feet long from top to bottom and
sloped with approximately a 35 degree angle. In the world of slides, it
was steep and it went forever. (It has since been removed from the
park, most likely due to it's insanely unsafe nature.) So really, what
better way to take a lazy ride down a hill on an ice block and turn it
into a thrilling show of ultimate awesomeness?? That's what I thought,
anyway. So I took one of those darn blocks and put it at the top of
the slide and sat on it. And then I waited to gather my nerve. All of
the girls were standing at the top of the slide with me, as it began at
the top of our grassy hill. One of them said, "Are you sure you want to
do this?"
You'd think that a young, invincible girl questioning
the wisdom of what I was about to do would make me think twice, but no.
I was already sitting there, shorts getting a little wet from the
melting ice, and if I chickened out then the girls might think me to be a
wimp, and I was trying to be the cool leader - so that just wouldn't
do.
I gave the block of ice a little forward thrust, and let go of the side rails.
And
then two things happened simultaneously. I think I had time to mutter,
"Oh shit!" and then I was launched off the bottom of the slide, flying
through the air.
The actual descent from the slide happened so
quickly that there would have been some kind of land speed record set,
if we happened to have been timing it. Conversely, the part where I was
flying through the air took so long that I had time to think, "What
have I done?? This is going to hurt!" And then I landed, with
excruciating pain, and slid across the sand for about 10 feet.
Immediately,
I did what I could to avoid further humiliation. I sat up, pretended
that my butt didn't feel like it had just been rear-ended by a MAC
truck, and smiled. Yeah, I'm an idiot.
All six of the girls came
running to my aid, inquiring as to my condition. I assured them that I
was fine, and stood up to brush myself off. My feigned nonchalance
seemed to have worked, until one of the girls said, "You're bleeding!"
Crap.
Sure enough, that slight stinging I felt in my calf was the result of a
gargantuan sand rash. I told her I was fine, that it didn't even hurt.
(Which, when compared to the agonizing pain in my hiney, was
completely true.)
We finished up the evening with a few more runs
down the hill; sticking to the grass, of course. All the while I tried
not to show how incapacitated I was, and the only thing I could think
about was whether all these girls would rush home and tell their parents
what a moron I was. That's
exactly what I would have done, had I been in their shoes. As the sun
began to set, we piled back into my car and headed home. I had to drop
everyone off at their houses, and so I drove very quickly and tried to
appear to be sitting on both sides of my butt, when in fact, I was only
letting my left side come in contact with the seat.
Finally,
everyone was safely in their homes, and I could head for mine.
Unfortunately, we were living in an apartment at the time that was at
the top of three flights of stairs. I managed the torturous climb and
entered my front door. Andrew was sitting there on the couch and I just
let it all out. I hobbled over to him and cried and told him how
stupid I felt and how much my backside was killing me. He laughed. A
lot. Then, I pulled my shorts down to have a look.
Here's what we found:
(This
is a picture of a picture because my scanner won't work, but notice the
nice lump on my upper thigh, just above my pant line? That's where my
sorry butt landed, right on the edge of the ice block that nearly killed
me. About 3 months ago, I finally got feeling back in that part of my
leg. And yes, I just posted a picture of my arse on the internet.)
More
of Andrew's laughing followed this discovery, but it was several days
before I could see the humor in it. After all, I had to go to church 3
days later and pretend that everything was cool, and that I didn't have
obscene scabs clear down my leg from sliding so far on the sand.
That made shaving quite impossible.
I
do not recommend acting in such a reckless and idiotic manner, but if
ever you do, be sure to take pictures, because once the pain and
numbness and embarrassment fade, you might just be pretty darn proud of
the size bruise you can give yourself.
I
apologize for having failed to forewarn you that you would be looking
at my big ol' white butt cheek. I just think it's a breathtaking
picture!
Now, folks, the moral of the story. Do not try to
impress 14-year-olds with any sort of physical skill or daring. It's
much less humiliating to just bring awesome snacks. Also, ice blocking
is no fun.
HOLY FREAKING CRAP!!! I need to lose sleep more often if this is the type of amazing smut I can find on the interweb. I'm going to shoot thoughts at you like you shot off of that slide: 1) WHAT THE F&#@ WERE YOU THINKING!!!??? 2) I have seen you bruised before, but holy crap that looks painful. 3) I always figured you had a great back end- Andrew is a lucky SOB to get to look at the back of your head. 4) Sorry, it's late but I had to hit on you just a little bit as I just spent twenty minutes staring at your bum with my jaw on the floor.
ReplyDelete