Putting Motherhood First

A few days ago I took a call from a woman I love. That call was a very rare thing as she works so much that it is nearly impossible to get hold of her on the phone. I was so excited to talk to her because she is vivacious and spunky and alive. She's a fun person to be around.

But quickly that conversation turned one-sided as she told me about a spat she had had with her mother over the number of hours she was working. I sat in stunned silence as she told me that she was working really hard to make sure that her kids had everything they needed, and she even said that her own childhood would have been so different if her mother had worked at least part time.

I agree, it would have been different. But I think she and I see that difference in completely opposite ways.

In actuality, this woman isn't working to give her kids everything they need, because her husband is perfectly capable of doing that. She is working to give them everything she didn't have when she was a kid.

Listening to her go on, I felt like a bug being squished beneath the shoe of a superior bully. She was knocking everything that I have spent my life happily sacrificing for.

I am a mother who has not worked a day outside the home since my first child was born. Sometimes my kids do go without certain things that they might like because we just don't have $160 extra dollars a month for the older two to take karate lessons, or a spare $300 to make sure they each have a new wardrobe for every season.

We have to be careful with money, but my kids have never, NEVER, had to go without anything that they needed. And if you ask me, they get plenty of things that are simply for fun. We have season passes to an amusement park, we take them fishing, camping, to the park, we go to the theater, they play the sports they want to, they get birthday and Christmas gifts, we buy them ice cream for no reason, we make memories together. My kids are not deprived.

I was angry during this phone call because this woman, who I continue to love, caused me to feel like I was being a bad mom for not providing my kids with the things she deemed necessary. Essentially, she was saying that her kids would have a better childhood than mine because her kids would have THINGS.

I steamed about this call for about a half hour before I came to my senses. I understand now that she and I just have different beliefs.

(And here is the part where I will most definitely introduce controversy and force people to bring out their claws. I accept that because I feel so strongly about this.)

I believe that, with very few exceptions, mothers who have a working husband should be home with their kids.

I believe that putting my kids in daycare, whether provided by family or otherwise, is a bad idea. No one can love my kids like I do, and my kids deserve to be raised by the parents who love them more than anyone else does. And what's more - our kids WANT to be near us, not dropped off to someone else. I know that any child who was given a choice would choose to spend their days with their mom, not a babysitter.

I believe that most, (not all), women who are working could find ways to stay home with their kids if they really wanted to. It takes guts and sacrifice, but when I consider who my husband and I are sacrificing for, there is no doubt that it is the right thing to do. No one can convince me that a high paying career or a boat or anything else is more important or rewarding than a sticky kiss or "I love you, Mommy" from a toddler who is growing faster than I want him to.

I believe that spending time with my kids is far more valuable to them than spending money on them. We could provide all the toys, clothes, vacations, and lessons that we want, but if I am not around to read to them, play games with them, answer their questions about life, teach them at every turn, praise their good deeds, see them grow, and discipline the way I believe is right, then I am doing them a disservice. If I'm not doing those things, someone else is. Only so much life happens after working hours.

I DO NOT believe that "Mother" is a title one receives by giving birth, but rather, is a badge of honor that is earned outside of the delivery room.

I believe that it is important for a mother to be there for every milestone and learning opportunity in the early years. It is a mother's place, her right, to see the first steps, to teach right and wrong, to shape and mold her children.

I believe that the later years are just as important. Kids need to come home from school to a welcoming mother, not an empty house. Kids need to talk about their day, they need support, they need to feel like Mom is always there to talk to. They need to know that there is someone checking up on them, keeping them on the right path. Choices are good and all, and I hope that my husband and I have taught our kids well enough that they make good ones for themselves when we're not around, but kids can only handle so much temptation and responsibility. Teenagers are notorious for making bad choices - it's their job. The parents job is to keep them out of as much trouble as they can.

I DO NOT believe that a woman can "have it all". She can certainly try to be a mom, a wife, run a house, and have a career, but she will almost always fall short in some area. It's the kids, and often the husband, who suffer for the selfishness of the mother who wants success or fulfillment for herself as well as a picture-perfect family life. It is an illusion. It is stressful. It is not worth it.

Could I be a good mom if I worked? Absolutely. But I am most definitely a better mom for devoting my entire self to it, and don't my kids deserve my best? Not to mention my husband who prefers a wife who isn't run ragged and completely spent at the end of every day from trying to do it all.

Does being a stay-at-home mom automatically make me a good mom? Not at all. It completely depends on what I do with my time every day, the example I am to my kids, and what I teach them.

So after listening to this other woman state her purpose, I realized that I am the lucky one. I am choosing to be a full-time mom to my kids and to build a peaceful and happy home for my whole family. I am putting time with my kids before stuff for my kids. I have a husband who strongly supports this decision. I have not missed a minute of their growing up.

I think this other woman just doesn't yet see all the wonderful, irreplaceable things her mother gave her by staying home and raising her. One day, she'll realize.

Time with my kids is precious and fleeting. I know that I am right where I am supposed to be, and I'm loving every minute of it.