In The Parking Lot At Smith's

There are some days as a mother that taking the easy way out doesn't always mean it'll be carefree...

I had five kids in the car and needed to stop at the grocery store for hot dog buns. Needing only one thing, it felt insane to unload everybody, keep everyone together and calm in the store, get the buns and then have to re-load the car. 


Toddlers really are a huge chore. 


So on this occasion, I decided to send my older two kids into the store by themselves to retrieve the buns while I waited in the car with the little guys.

Cameron was horrified at the prospect of being sent in sans-adult, because buying hot dog buns without a grown-up held the potential for emotionally disfiguring embarrassment. (I'm sure he was picturing not being able to find the bread aisle or not having enough money at the check-out stand.  Or just someone looking at him.  Oh, the horror.)

Ethan was thrilled at the idea of being asked to complete an adult task, and immediately held his hand out for the money.

I only had five dollars cash in my wallet, so I explained to the boys that I needed two packages of buns, but that they could not cost more than two dollars each or there wouldn't be enough money to pay sales tax. I told them to bring me my change, and then told them how to get to the bread aisle and sent them on their mission.

We waited in the car for a few minutes. Drew climbed into the front seat to push all the buttons and flip all the switches he could find on the dash, check himself out in the mirrors, change the radio pre-sets... Bryan, (my nephew), and Trent jabbered and whined in their car seats.

And after a while, I saw my boys coming back towards the car with dejected faces and five dollars still clutched in small hands.

"What happened?", I asked.

"The hot dog buns cost TEN DOLLARS!", Cameron with complete disbelief in his voice.

We were at Smith's, not some organic, whole foods, green store where the prices are all jacked up, so I figured he must have read a sale tag wrong.

"Are you sure it didn't say 'ten for ten dollars'?"

Their faces lit up with understanding, and they ran back into the store while I shouted at them that in that case they should get three packages!!  (We like chili dogs.)

As I watched them scamper back towards the store, I heard a gagging noise and turned to find Drew with a disgusted look on his face, holding an old can of soda, Coke dripping out of his mouth.

I have this bad habit of leaving half-finished cans of soda in the car and then putting trash down the opening when they've gone flat and nasty. So Drew had just taken a big swig of garbage juice, and I'm not sure exactly what I had put in that can, but after boiling inside a container of carbonation and 100+ degree temperatures, whatever it was resembled a squid tentacle.

Being the good mom that I am, I laughed until I cried while Drew spluttered and whimpered and inspected his tongue in the visor mirror. I vowed to clean out the car when I got home.

No sooner had I calmed down from my hysteria, than I heard another, more ominous gagging sound from the backseat. I turned around and found Bryan with his entire foot in his mouth, gagging on his big toe as it tickled his uvula. That was not funny. 


Kid drinking garbage juice - kind of comical. Vomit all over the car - not amusing in the least.

"Bryan!", I yelled, "Get your foot out of your mouth right NOW!"

Bryan looked at me as though to say, "I don't know why you're freaking out; I do this all the time."

And then I was pretty sure I knew who had puked his breakfast up on my living room rug that morning.  Up til then, no one had fessed up.

I turned just then to see if Cameron and Ethan had finished their shopping yet, and sure enough, they came skipping through the parked cars, holding a sack full of buns. Ethan grinned at me and shouted, "Mom! We had enough money to buy candy bars!"

Those little turds spent my money!

"I told you to bring me my change!"

"We did!", Ethan retorted. "We saved you all the pennies and one nickel."

Great. Remind me to never send them with my debit card.

So, Friends, in the end, it would have been easier to just unload everyone, drag our butts through the store for our one item, and then load everyone back up.

Lesson learned.