I'm no master of suspense, so I'm just going to go ahead and tell you that the only statement from yesterday's post which is 100% true is #2. I did flatten my vagina against a car window by mistake. I take comfort in the fact that this all happened before my goods had been mutilated by child birth, so it couldn't have been that horrifying for the onlookers.
As for the others...
#1 - I was never naked in front of a salesman. Not a real one anyway.
#3 - The hubs has in the past lit his farts on fire, (Hello, Classy!), but never have I asked to be taught. It remains a fact that I cannot fart on command. And to the commenter who said that she knows otherwise, I would point out that a fart is entirely different from a queef.
#4 - I never pooped on a delivery table. Sorry for all who were hoping. Although, I will admit that while my episiotomy was being stitched up after kid #1, there were some fart-type noises going on, but I won't describe them, because how many times can you use the word queef in one post without sounding trashy? My guess is one.
#5 - This one actually could be 100% true. I know I did announce the opening "thong", but I never had the guts to ask anyone if I'd uttered that other phrase aloud. I remember thinking afterward that it was a strong possibility, but I chose to push it out of my mind.
#6 - I was, in fact voted most likely to become a White House intern by members of the staff at my high school. I was voted Most Mischievous by my peers, (which I never understood because I only even skipped class one time and never pulled the fire alarm). I did not, however, volunteer on anyone's political campaign. I'm not the "get involved" type.
"I did flatten my vagina against a car window by mistake."
ReplyDeleteI. Just. There's no words to describe what that sentence makes me feel.
"I take comfort in the fact that this all happened before my goods had been mutilated by child birth"
And is this payback for that foot video yesterday? Mutilated tacos scare me.
Kinda gives you a rockin' mental image, no? There's some movie that has aliens that suction themselves to glass, and I could not for the life of me think of what it was. I thought it would be a nice picture to go with this post, if only I could have remembered what flick it was.
ReplyDelete"I did flatten my vagina against a car window by mistake."
ReplyDeleteTotally. Utterly. Confused. But I shiver at the thought... even AFTER childbirth!
I'm so happy I guessed right! Woot for me!
ReplyDeleteHaha!! I never would have guessed #2. I love how all of your stories had some element of truth ;)
ReplyDeleteI hope you had to clean the window.
ReplyDeleteAnd that is why you will always carry disinfecting wipes in your car!
ReplyDeleteAaahahahaha. Vagina and windows, nice mix. I'mma have to put my thinking cap on.
ReplyDeleteThe vagina one was right? Damn. But ditto what Poppy said.
ReplyDeleteAnd I totally knew you weren't the get-involved type. (that's a compliment, btw)
Ditto what Poppy said! How anal of us is it that we want your window to be clean after that?
ReplyDeleteOh anal. There's another body word.
Family reunions are so fun now, I would imagine.
How sad is that that I had to Google the word queef to find out what it meant? I think I am seriously out of touch.
ReplyDeleteI think I have my work cut out for me. Making you look more normal, that is :)
Wasn't the family member you showed your "goods" to a gynecologist?
ReplyDeleteToo funny!