Your Lie Detector Test

Imagine my horror when I found that Poppy had tagged me in her game of lies.  How does one follow Poppy in a game of anything?  Add to that the pressure that Sherri heaped on in the comments section of Poppy's post, and you've got me completely frozen. I have no idea how to complete this task without making an ass out of myself.  Or boring you to tears. Or just plain trying too hard.  When it comes right down to it - I'm a crappy liar.

But here I go anyway.

The following are five lies and one truth.  Your job is to pick out the one that is 100% truth and leave your answer in the comments section.  Let's see who thinks they know me....

1.  Even as a newlywed I had to compete with Fishing for my husband's affections.  His Saturdays were reserved for sleeping until noon and then driving to the murky ponds not far from our tiny apartment to catch a few battered bass and toxic trout.  The alternative was staying home with me, so you can see the allure of a muddy pond, right?  Right.  Well, one afternoon, just after I'd said goodbye to the fishing addict, I noticed he had left his car keys on the kitchen table.  I decided to make one more attempt to get the hubs to stay home.  I stripped down in record time and stood in the living room stark naked waiting for him to re-enter to claim his keys, or me.  Only when he came back in, he was toting a door-to-door salesman behind him.  Selling carpet cleaner, no less.  Awkward.

2.  I once tried to moon my uncle while in a moving vehicle. I was 19 and in my dad's truck with both my parents.  In our family, mooning is a perfectly acceptable greeting if you happen to see a relative traveling the same road as you.  Unfortunately, I bent over too far and ended up pressing my vagina against the passenger window.  When I realized my error, I hurried to pull my pants back up and sit down...and wipe the mark off the window...but the damage was done.  Family reunions have never been comfortable since.

3.  Because we're really cool and stuff, my husband once tried to teach me how to light my farts on fire.  It's kinda sad that we were married and had two kids at the time, but we were really, really poor and had nothing better to do.  And it's kinda funny too, because I won't even light the barbecue grill because I'm afraid of blowing up, but let's go ahead and hold a match to some homemade methane that's coming out of my body, okay?  Alright then.  So the climax to this story is that I can't fart under pressure.  But I got to learn from the master, who is now sometimes referred to as Blue Flame.  Kinda like an Indian name.

4.  Speaking of butts and such, I know how no one can resist telling their childbirth horror stories, and I am no exception.  When my third kid was born there was no pushing involved.  The baby was small and it was actually all I could do to hold him in until the doctor showed up. But when I was given the OK to stop holding him in with everything I had, I let it all go.  And along with baby, out came the contents of my large intestine and the loudest fart I have heard to this day. It was one of those that starts out like a whoopie cushion and ends up sounding like someone left the window open during a storm. Just a big breeze passing through. I think the doc was impressed. And glad he had one of those mask things on.

5.  Several years ago I was in charge of leading the opening exercises for Primary at church, which is the meeting group for kids aged 3-12.  I stood in front of the group of kids and their teachers and announced the title of our opening thong.  Yes, I said thong.  Little trip of the tongue.  I meant to say "opening song".  The adults chuckled, the kids were oblivious, and we moved on.  But apparently I was on a roll.  The kids were especially noisy while I was finishing my announcements, so I blurted out, "My hell, you guys are loud today."  It just sorta slipped out.  I wasn't entirely sure that I had actually said it out loud until I looked up and saw the wide eyes and the very shut mouths and the still bodies of 65 or so children.  What could I do?  I made the best of it and finished my announcements to a silent room. 

6. In high school I was voted "Most likely to become a white house intern".  You know who voted on these things?  Just the teachers.  That's the kind of backwards school I went to.  Shockingly, they gave me that award instead of "Most likely to fart during graduation".  That one fittingly went to the most demure girl I've ever met.  Anyhow, after graduation I tried to find a job for two months until I finally gave up and decided to volunteer to help out the Linda Smith campaign.  She was running for senator and lost.  But it wasn't because I did a crappy job filing pointless documents, that's for sure.  Now I can go to my twenty year reunion and say that the teachers' predictions were correct...sort of.  

So there ya go. Which do you think is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?