Ten Lessons Learned On My First Black Friday

1.  If you don't like waiting in two hour lines, Toys R Us is not the best idea on Black Friday.

2.  Toys R Us hates their customers.  They demonstrate this by only letting 50 people in their store at a time (when the maximum capacity is much higher than that) and leaving their other patrons out in the nine degree weather.

3.  People who stand in nine degree weather for two hours in order to save twenty-five dollars are pathetic.  (Hand raised.)

4.  If you're going to be standing outside for a while in that nine degree weather, you really ought to wear more than a hoodie, a light coat, jeans, and tennis shoes.  Wool socks and blankets would be a wise choice.  As well as a head examination.

5.  Old Navy cashiers are either super slow, or everyone but me bought at least thirty things.

6.  Regret does not fully describe the emotion you feel when you realize that you waited in the cold in an Old Navy line for half an hour, and then waited in the check-out line for another hour only to return the items you bought the next day.  Except for the socks - those we're keeping.

7.  McDonalds and Burger King serve burgers and fries until four in the morning on Black Friday.  Who eats cheeseburgers at four in the morning?  So when you're really craving a hash brown and a bacon and cheese Croissanwich with a side of O.J. at three fifteen in the morning after standing in the nine degree weather for an eternity, you'll be stuck going to a gas station for a breakfast sandwich, even though your mother taught you better.  And you'll be so hungry that that sandwich will taste awesome...until you have to get out of the car to get behind a thousand people in line at Target and the chill of the air instantly zaps all the heat from your sandwich.  Then it tastes like tainted egg product.

8.  After all that time standing in line in nine degree weather wearing no gloves, tennis shoes, jeans, and a light coat, you'll only be able to stare at your feet while you pray that your toes don't break off.  And you'll wonder what possessed your little sister to bring her ice cold Dr. Pepper with her into the Target line.  But you won't be able to ask her, because your lips are frozen together.

9.  Target loves their customers much more than Toys R Us.  They don't make anyone stand in the cold while idiot women debate the merits of two different Bratz Dolls.  They let everyone in all at once.  It made me want to kiss the first clerk I saw.   And I would have, if I hadn't been busy snatching a Toy Story 3 DVD while trying not to run to the stack of Eyeclops Night Vision Binoculars for $25.

10.  I was pleasantly surprised to find that Target had adequately stocked their shelves and most things were easy to find.  I got everything on my list, and for the first time in the history of the world, every single check-out station was open.  And even though I cursed my stupidity for getting into this Black Friday mess, and wished a thousand times that I had never opened that newspaper full of ads, and wished even harder for the painful death of whatever idiot at Toys R Us came up with the fifty people at a time rule...I got in the car with Kellie when we were all finished, and we turned to look at each other, and we smiled.  And we high-fived each other.  And then we told each other that we were so glad we had done it because that five pack of Andy's Toys from Toy Story 3 for thirty bucks was totally worth it.  So what if I have frost bite on my nose?