Do You Take This Woman To Be Your Lady Minister?

Cameron and I took a trip to Maryland during the last week of September.  (It was incredibly well-timed considering that all Hell broke loose in DC just as we were leaving.)  The main purpose of our visit was to attend Andrew's grandmother's 90th birthday party and his cousin's wedding.  (Poor Andrew couldn't come, but I feel like he sent the best representation of the family.)

I will write about the birthday and sight-seeing and beach-going later, but I wanted to cover the wedding first since I've left people waiting for an explanation of events.

The night before the wedding we were having dinner at Aunt Heidi and Uncle Tim's house.  (Tim's mac and cheese is da'bomb and may or may not have been a significant factor in my decision to make the trip.)  Sometime before I broke Heidi's tortoise shell salad tong thingies from Haiti and sprayed salad dressing all over her kitchen there was some discussion going on between Aunt Holly and Jimmy Lee, (who I believe would be Andrew's second cousin or something once removed), about the possibility of the bride and groom needing him to pinch-hit for the reverend the next day - I guess Reverend Brenda was not a sure thing.  And because I occasionally take joy in people's discomfort I began to make suggestions to Jim about how he ought to conduct the ceremony; take a page from The Princess Bride and talk about "mawwage is what bwings us togevah today" and "wuv, twu wuv", etc.  

One day I will learn that smart-ass comments usually lead to trouble. 

So the day of the wedding we're hanging around in our dressy clothes, watching football with Tim, and waiting for the hour of departure...and then my phone rang. It was Heidi.  

"Hello?"

"Hi, you have a job today."

"Oh, ok.  What is it?"

"You're going to conduct the ceremony."

"Say again?"

"The reverend cancelled and we need you to officiate the wedding."

That was how I got the gig.  I opened my mouth the night before and somehow put my name in the running for Honorary Reverend.  It was all legit because the bride and groom had actually been married at the courthouse, (I think), the year before.  So while this was the big to-do wedding with the flowers and dancing and all, the real deal was already done and so there was no requirement for legality. (Which, incidentally, should be a theme for all vacations.) Heidi emailed me the script, Tim printed it off with minimal teasing, which I meant to thank him for but forgot to do in my nervousness, and we hit the road.  

I read the script over a couple of times in the car, and while I think that the Princess Bride priest actually had a better thing going, I was glad that I didn't have to come up with my own shpeal.  I surely would have gotten flustered and made mention of wifely duties and toilet seats in the vows. 

Thankfully, we got there early enough to do a dress rehearsal with a stand-in bride and groom.  Next time I do this I'm going to pick a "groom" who is less enthused about getting to the "kiss the bride" part.  Todd was very disruptive, but for once in his life he had the decency to not mention my cankles which, sadly, were on full-display, so I'll forgive him.

So then it was go time.  There were people in the wedding party asking me where to stand and when to go, and I just shrugged my shoulders and told them I was clueless.  We did the whole processional and the whole thing was over super fast.  

 (The real thing)

When it came right down to it I wasn't nervous because I hadn't written the slightly weird ceremony, (had I had the time or opportunity I would have liked to put a more tasteful spin on it, but you can't have it all), and also because I was smart enough to know that everyone would be looking at the beautiful bride.  No one notices the preacher or minister or whatever unless they really butcher the thing, so as long as I got through it I'd more or less go unnoticed. 

After it was all said and done I attended the reception with most of the guests believing I was a progressive lady-minister.  Admittedly, that was an odd feeling for a conservative Mormon girl, but the awkward explanations were worth the experience.  I can't say that officiating a wedding was ever something I considered putting on my bucket list, but it's there now - crossed out with happy memories to go with it.