How To Go To The Hospital

When I had that stroke last month it happened at 12:30 in the afternoon.  I had not showered yet that day, and I was kinda smelly.  As in, "Crap, I have that 'not so fresh feeling' and I'm headed to the hospital where body prodding is sure to take place."   But there was no time to stop for a shower, so I just had to make excuses for my smell to every doctor, RN, CNA, LPN, neurologist and intern who came within two feet of me.  I was hooked up to heart monitors all night and all the next day, so I didn't get to shower until about dinner time on day two.  When I was all lovely and clean and back in bed, a nurse came in to hook me up to monitors again, and she said, "It smells good in here!  Did you take a shower?"  Yes, she really said that.  I told her that I had in fact showered, but that she was probably smelling the roses my sister had brought me.

Hospital tip #1:   Murphy's Law sort of dictates that no one will be going to the hospital when they are looking their best, so if you end up in the ER smelling like a homeless person in July, just take a look around you and feel better.  It's likely you aren't the most disgusting person in the room.

2.  Even in a serious situation I cannot help but making stupid, inappropriate jokes.  Such as:  When finding out I have a nodule on my thyroid, (totally unrelated to reason for being at the hospital, but a favorite topic for Idiot Doctor), I asked him if that's why I was fat?  You know - "It's my thyroid."  And then taking bets for when the doctors were going to ask me when I'd had my double mastectomy.  Flat chested jokes are sometimes just wrong.  Also, I was so bored at times that I had to fight off the urge to fake a seizure for the entertainment of...Ok, I suppose just for my own entertainment.  Also, once you've had thirty or so neurological tests and you have the questions and movements memorized, you start to feel like slurring your speech and poking yourself in the eye just to give the nurses something different to do.

Hospital Tip #2:  Think before you speak.  And if you're well enough to be joking, even inappropriately, that would be a blessing, so don't be too hard on yourself.  But when you're perfectly coherent and sane and a nurse asks you if you know where you are, try not to spend too much time thinking of comedic responses, because when it takes you a while to come up with an answer it starts to look like you really might not know the right one.

3.  Some doctors do not know as much about your condition as you do.  He won't like to admit this, so he will go home at night and Google what you told him is wrong with you.  He will come back the next morning and tell you that he "did some research".  Then he will draw a picture for you of what you already knew.  It will look like a picture of Spiderman.  The doctor will feel like he is educating you, and it's ok to roll your eyes and call said doctor a dumb ass.  Some doctors need a little humility.

Hospital Tip #3:  A medical degree does not an intelligent person make.  If you think your doctor might be a moron, demand a new one.  You have that right.

4.  This one's important.  If a whole heap of people are going to be working on your chest doing ultrasounds or EKG's or whatever, you should make sure you don't have two nipple hairs growing out of your right mammory.  And no, I do not speak from personal experience, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Hospital Tip #4:  When you do those self-breast-exams monthly like you're supposed to, be sure you check for unwanted hair.  Cause, Dude.

5.  When you're bored your sister might help you take pictures that you think are funny, but those pictures will not amuse your husband in the slightest because he is still stuck on the fact that you could die at any moment and won't be ready to laugh yet.  His lack of a sense of humor in this situation may actually make you love him more.

Hospital Tip #5:  Bring a person with you to the hospital who will keep things light, and another who will act like the world will stop moving if you die, will swear at Idiot Doctor, and who will later tell you that you can't post a picture of yourself drooling because not only is it not funny, it's also insensitive.