Truth Will Out

Tonight, as I was cleaning a couple of days worth of pee from behind the toilet, Ethan and Cameron confessed that they had found my stash of hidden Easter goodies.  

It was my fault, really.  I had told Cameron that he could look for his old Cub Scout Pinewood Derby car in his box of treasures in my closet, but when he failed to turn it up there, he continued to search other containers I had on the shelves and floor.  Cameron knows the ugly truth about Santa and the Easter Bunny and has been sworn to secrecy.  So when he stumbled upon my Rubbermaid hiding spot, he told Ethan "Do NOT look in that box!"  What else could Ethan do but look?

Ethan is nine and a half years old, so I can't say that this revelation was unwelcome.  Granted, Andrew and I are pretty good liars and obviously capable of getting a child to a fairly advanced age with their Santa belief firmly intact, but I was starting to wonder how a kid with street smarts like Ethan has could go so long without making the deductions that would clue him in to the biggest parent lie in the history of ever.  I was honestly beginning to wonder if he was a little on the naive side.  My concerns were not alleviated when immediately after the discovery of the Easter Bunny goods he asked, "So, is Santa real?"  And when I answered in the negative, Ethan asked, "So where did you get the Nooks?"

Seriously?  Did he think we made them like elves or something? I thought about telling him that I lifted them from Barnes and Noble while Dad distracted the sales associates with a fake heart attack over the latest Maxim magazine cover...but I just looked at Ethan like he was a bit dense and told him we bought them.  Dude.  We're not that poor.  Well, not all the time, anyway.

Cameron and I talked to Ethan about being part of the secret and the magic of Christmas and how it's a big responsibility to make sure that other kids, especially his little brothers, do not find out about it because we don't want to rob them of the magic prematurely.  I then sent the boys to bed to ponder the revelations of the evening.  

I went downstairs to tell Andrew that we have another kid "in the know", and found it rather amusing that he was watching his favorite show - "Finding Bigfoot".  I guess there are things that some people never figure out, even as adults.  If anyone sees Andrew watching this show, please don't tell him that Bigfoot isn't real.  I wouldn't want to spoil that wonder for him.

Traditions

Hi Everybody!  It's November 1st, which means that Halloween is over, (can I get a Hallelujah??), and I can in good conscience write a post about Christmas.

Now don't flip out - I'm not skipping Thanksgiving. I haven't turned on the Christmas music yet, my fall decorations are still up, and I have no intention of ignoring the pilgrims and the indians and all that.  I just wanted to get some thoughts out now because I'm hoping for a little inspiration. 

Allow me to start from the beginning. 

I am a very laid back mother.  I don't plan things, we have never operated on any kind of schedule here, sometimes we have ice cream for breakfast, but we put it on a waffle so it's legit.  But one thing about being a laid back kind of mom that has really started to bother me lately is that I have never implemented any kind of traditions.  Specifically holiday traditions.  We just go with the flow around the holidays and whatever happens happens.  But I want my kids to grow up with just a tiny bit of predictability to look forward to.  Some continuity to remember when they're old.  All that good stuff. 

 The Nativity - 2009

So this year I've decided to change Christmas up a little bit. 

The biggest change is going to be our focus.  We usually get caught up in all the commercialism, and while a little bit of that is fine, that's not why we celebrate Christmas.  So we will be putting more focus on celebrating the birth of our Savior this year.  So, in essence, all the traditions I'm hoping to initiate this year will hopefully help us keep that more important purpose in mind.  Beginning with...

1.  We're cutting back on gifts for the kids.  We've never really gone all out. It's not like we stuff so many presents under the tree that the kids can't even get into the room on Christmas morning to open them.  But we're cutting our probably average Christmas shopping down to four gifts.  Each kid gets four presents: something they want, something they need, something to wear and something to read.  That's all.  (I got that idea from a friends blog ages ago, and won't link to it here because I'm not sure how private she likes to keep things.  Also, I can't flippin' find the post.) 

 Charlie Brown Christmas Tree - 2010

We've told the kids why we're doing this and asked them to make lists expressing their wishes in each of these four categories so that we can alert Santa to our new way of doing things...but that's all a ruse because the shopping is all done.  Which brings me to another new December point...

2.  All the stressful stuff will be done before December 1st hits the calendar.  Shopping, wrapping, card writing, planning - everything.  December will be a strees-free month.  Well, as much as in my power to control, anyway.  All of the time saved on stressing and shopping will be spent doing things together.  You know - family time - that thing that never happens once your kids are old enough to be in scouts and sports and stuff.  This isn't really a tradition, but it's an important part of the plan.

3.  So what will we do with all this family time?  I have a few ideas so far. 

• The first comes from another friend, and it is fabulous.  I also won't link to her blog because she's another that I'm not certain of the privacy wishes.  Last year this friend posted about some of the things she loves about Christmas, and my favorite of them all was that she wraps Christmas books from their home library as well as the public library like presents and they open one each night in December to read together.  Genius.  So I've already checked out a bunch of books from the library because it appears that we only have about 14 Christmas books in our ownership, and they are in the top of my closet waiting to be wrapped.  (Yes, I know I'll have to renew these books the maximum number of times allowed in order to avoid late fees between now and Christmas, but have you noticed how quickly the Christmas books disappear from the library shelves??) 
• Another idea is to find a service project that we can do as a family.  I figure that the best gift we can offer the Savior during the month of his birth is to serve someone he loves.  I don't know what that will entail exactly yet - but the possibilities are endless.
• Also - we're going to have the kids think about someone who might need a reminder that they are loved and we will find a special Christmas gift for that person(s) and deliver it anonymously sometime in December.
• And finally - you can't let a Christmas season go by without lots of baking and movie watching.  The kids will have to vote on their favorite movies and stick to those because we tried to watch all of our favorites last year and we just couldn't do it. 

 Making gingerbread houses - 2011

So - this is where my ideas end and I hope yours continue.  If you have ideas for Christmas, Thanksgiving, or any-day-of-the-year traditions that you'd be willing so share, I'd love to hear them.  I'm going for a December to remember here, and there are a lot of days to fill up with memories.  They don't have to be big - just little things that I hope we can do every year and remember fondly when all the kids have moved out. When Andrew and I are old we're going to need something to convince us that the clean house we're sitting in might not be as good as what we used to have in the messy house.  You get the idea.  Comment away!

Home For The Holidays

In the twelve Thanksgivings that Andrew and I have been married, we've never once stayed home for Thanksgiving dinner.  We're always off to his mom's or my parents' or a huge extended family gathering.  They are nice dinners.  I have always loved them.

But they're also a bother.  We have to prep our culinary offerings, travel with them to wherever we're expected, keep our kids entertained and out of trouble, and then we have to go home with half a pie.  Which means that the day after Thanksgiving is always spent cooking a turkey with all the trimmings, just we we can enjoy the "leftovers".  Most especially The Seven Phases of Turkey.

This year, Andrew and I find ourselves an hour away from him mom, twelve hours away from my parents, and within reach of a solitary, no-travel-involved Thanksgiving.  We're staying home this year.  We'll be all alone.  No transporting food, no begging children for good manners, no "take-two cooking marathon" on Friday.

We've been looking forward to the simplicity and hominess of this opportunity for months.

And now that it's a week away, I'm worried I'm going to hate it.

I'm worried I'll miss the hubub of family, the excitement that only a large group of rowdy people can inspire, the noise.

I'm afraid I'll spend all day in the kitchen, alone, while the boys play video games upstairs and Andrew watches football - completely ignoring those of us who aren't speaking to him from a television screen. 

I'm worried that I'll be lonely.  

I hope I don't regret this.

Back To School To Do List

The following things must be done before school starts next week:

Remove all embarrassing clothing from children's wardrobe, i.e.; tie-dye shirt from camp last year and warm-up pants with holey knees.  

Cut children's hair without having "Oops - well, I'm sure no one will notice" incident.

Clean and re-organize children's room to allow for individual homework stations.  (Fantasize about quiet homework time.)

Re-teach children how to tie shoelaces.  They seem to have forgotten and have been sticking to velco or sliding feet in shoes without untying.  

Prepare Drew for shock of having no older children around to play with.  Convince him that "Mom is fun too!"

Pray that bully girl across street is not in Cameron's class.  She's scary.

Write names in backpacks and hooded sweatshirts.  Resign self to fact that this is not guarantee that items will come home with children, or be locatable in Lost and Found.

Decide whether or not to pack lunch for children on first day with super cool items (ex: Twinkies and Dr. Pepper) to convince children's peers of their awesomeness.  Is well known fact that kids with garbage lunches are desirable friends.

The Final Countdown

One precious week of summer left.

No clue what we're going to do with it.  Seems a shame that we have not been to the beach all summer, and yet I can't seem to get myself to want pay the gas money to get out there when a camping trip is looming in the distance.  A camping trip with zip line expeditions to pay for.  

While summer is closing like a good book with not enough pages left, I can't help but feel excitement over the start of the school year.  It has, after all, been over a year since I had the joy of sending the kiddos off to be someone else's problem for several hours a day.  Homeschool sort of kicked my butt and sent me reeling head over feet for several months.  Remember how cool it was in the beginning?  (See this and this for examples.)  Then we moved twice and I had a stroke and everything became lame and not fun.  Just lots of boring spelling words and math worksheets.  It did not go how I wanted it to. 

I am a little concerned about the social status that my oldest son will earn on his first day of school.  He picked out pretty decent clothes, (seems to be going for the skater look), but I am going to have to ban him from wearing sandals because he still insists on wearing socks with them.  And in fact, he is in his bedroom playing Magic The Gathering with Ethan.  I'm not sure if that's nerdy or not, but it might be one of those things that's better not to mention, just in case.  

Positive improvements in the geek arena are:  Cameron no longer wears his shirts tucked in so tightly we can see his ribcage, and he has stopped adjusting his glasses by contorting his face in ways that imply he might have mental issues.  That's about it.  But I've decided a geeky son is about the best thing a person can hope for.  He might get teased, but he won't be one of the jerks doing the teasing.  I don't think.

So.  One more week of summer.  We really must send it off in style.  Time to put on my thinking cap I suppose.

The Fetching Ice Cream Man

There are three ice-cream trucks that come to our neighborhood.  

One is just a guy on a bike that has a cart and umbrella attached to the front.  He sells candy and weird Mexican chips that are revolting.  He pedals down the street ringing his little bells, and we pretty much ignore him along with everyone else on the street.  Kinda sad, actually.

Then there's the white truck.  That man comes around and tempts the kiddies with all kinds of ice-cream treats that cost anywhere from $1.00 to $3.00.  I know that $1.00 for an ice cream bar that is normally sold in a box of ten for four dollars is a rip off, but I'm willing to pay it.  But $3.00 is taking it too far.  And what do the kids always want?  The ice-cream that costs $3.00.  So we only bought from him once.

Finally we have the big, yellow truck that plays music so loud we can hear it ten blocks away.  Everything that Yellow-Truck Ice-Cream Man sells is $1.00.  Everything.  That makes my life so much easier because I don't have to tell the kids which items they can pick.  They just point to the picture of what they want and hand the man their dollar.  Or their four quarters, or their six dimes and 8 nickels, or whatever I could scrounge from the bottom of my purse.  

Early in the summer I wanted to encourage this $1.00 Yellow-Truck Ice-Cream man to come back, so I let my kids buy an ice-cream off him every time he came.  But now he comes every day, and last week he came twice in one day.  Talk about greedy, right?  I've given this man about fifty dollars this summer, he needs to back off.

But it's even better than that.  

He now parks his damn yellow truck right in front of my house every day.  And he lets his music tinkle away while all the kids go running to get their money.  Pretty nasty trick if you ask me.  He should spread the love and park his butt in front of someone else's house for a change.

So last week I was sitting outside watching my kids play, and it became apparent that Trent was in desperate need of a nap.  So I hauled his 36 pound flailing body into the house, got him a drink and plopped him lovingly onto his bed.  Then I went back outside to watch the other kids play.

Two minutes later that freaking yellow truck showed up on our street, and sure enough he parked right in front of my house.  Again.  I glared at him, and then I turned and looked up in Trent's window.  Trent was standing on his bed so he could see out the window, and he had fat alligator tears streaming down his face because he was supposed to be napping, and there's the big, yellow truck that gives him ice-cream treats.

How could I not rescue him from bed?

But I'm going to get that ice cream man before the end of the summer.  Somehow, I will have my revenge.  

Friday Night In The Ghetto

It's Friday night in the ghetto, and that means that Andrew is outside playing catch with our boys under the street lights.  It also means that he is playing catch with half the kids in the neighborhood.  The ones who don't have dads, and the ones who have fathers that are too busy getting drunk to play catch with them.

Andrew knows most of these kids by name.  He knows which ones are left-handed.  He knows when they've gotten better at throwing the ball.

A dog has gotten loose and its owner chases it through the shadows, calling its name.  

A tricycle sits abandoned on the sidewalk.  I think it's Trent's.  

An occasional breeze brings with it the pungent odor of cheap cigarettes.

As it gets darker people seem to talk louder.  There is chatter up and down the street about a cat fight between two moms.  All the kids are discussing what the other kid's mother called their mother.  We're glad to have missed that show.

It's almost dark.  A few porch lights come on to aid the street lights in stretching the football game just a few more minutes.

Some parents call their kids inside.  Some don't seem to even care where their kids are, much less when they come in for the night.

Andrew says goodbye to the last orphan child to leave the game of catch.  Then he enjoys a few minutes alone with his boys.  Bicycle seats are adjusted for growing legs, helmet straps tightened, manly hugs distributed.

The night's first yawn makes its appearance and it's time for balls and bikes and foam swords to be collected and put in the garage until tomorrow.  

All of the boys troop inside and the screen door screeches a close to a pretty lovely Friday night in the ghetto.

What We've Done This Summer

Enjoyed many visits from our favorite ice cream truck.  Everything he sells is one dollar.  That makes my life easier, because I don't have to tell the kids they can only pick something on the bottom row of pictures, or the last three items from the right on the second row down.  You know how that goes, right?

Celebrated three birthdays.  Drew, Ethan and Andrew are all a year older now.  And the birthday crowns I make a flippin' awesome.  Screw humility - I know I'm a cool mom.  My favorite of the parties though, was Andrews.  Playing Balderdash with some of his siblings and their spouses was more fun than I'd had in a long time.  Tears streaming down the face kind of fun.  The only downside was finding that chocolate covered gummy bears mixed with three other kinds of candy plus two Henry Weinhardt's Vanilla Cream Sodas will make your stomach hurt really, really bad.

Went to the Japanese Gardens.  One of my favorite places ever.

Watched the Dragon Boat Races during the Portland Rose Festival.  We were rooting for the team named "Dragon Butts" because they are obviously cool.

Watched fireworks.  Got eaten by misquitos.

Explored several new parks.  Caught crawdads at one, developed tennis elbow from pushing kids on the swings at every single one of them, got a bit of sun at most, and now I don't glow in the dark.  Well, my torso still does.  

We've also seen a juggling show, been to Lego Club, watched a magician, toured the Farmers Market, played paintball, read lots of books, invented cookies, tried to grow plants, made salt-dough aliens, had sleepovers, and gotten pretty good at dodge-ball.

I'm beat.  But I'm having fun.

Fifty Things To Do This Summer

It never fails – kids look forward to summer vacation nearly as much as Christmas, and twelve hours into it we hear the first, “Mom, I’m bored.  What can I do?”

We’re all glad for a break from the rigorous schedule of school, but not having to do anything turns into having nothing to do rather quickly.

Kids need to be engaged in something new almost daily or you’ll soon have a couch potato or two on your hands.  So in case you’re suffering from the summer blues already, or just want to be proactive, here’s a list of things your might want to do this summer.

1.  Build a fort in the backyard.  Cardboard boxes, blankets, whatever ya got.

2.  Make Kool-Aid ice.  (Fill an ice tray with Kool-Aid, freeze it, eat it alone or in a drink.)

3.  Fly a kite.  Make your own if you’re feeling ambitious.

4.  Pack a dinner and take it to the park.

5.  For that matter, you could have a picnic right in your backyard, or your living room on a rainy day.

6.  Bake cookies.  (In the morning if it’s hot!)

7.  Let the kids set up a Popsicle or lemonade stand.

8.  Play doctor.  Now, don’t go thinking this is dirty.  You get an old phone and a notebook for making appointments, a card table for a reception desk, maybe a waiting room in the living room and the exam room in the kitchen?  Be sure to have band-aids and gauze for any ailing patients.

9.  Have a bike race.

10.  Or a bike parade!  Let the kids decorate their bikes with streamers and balloons.

11.  Run through sprinklers.

12.  Play-doh creation contest.  See who can build the best alien, wedding cake, longest snake, etc..

13.  Movie day!  Pop popcorn, give out tickets, make posters with show times, invite the neighbor kids.

14.  Make a bug habitat and find some residents for it.

15.  Go to the library.  Most have pretty cool summer programs going on.

16.  Tell the kids to plan a talent show for Mom and Dad to watch.  (Or grandparents?)

17.  Let the kids make their own summer scrapbooks and spend three months filling it up!

18.  Read a book under a tree with an apple.

19.  Pick berries at a farm.

20.  Watch for community activities throughout the summer – check your city’s web page.

21.  Water balloon fight, or water balloon volleyball  – (two kids hold opposite ends of a towel and launch a balloon across a net or imaginary line, team on the other side has to catch it in their towel and re-launch to the other side.)

22.  Sidewalk chalk mural in the driveway.  Make it HUGE!

23.  Sleep under the stars.

24.  Take a walk through the neighborhood, let the kids take a picture with your camera of something they’d like to paint, (a rosebush, a pond, a bug…), and come home and let them paint their representation of it.

25.  Visit an elderly neighbor who might need some company.

26.  Visit Dad at work and go to lunch together.

27.  Play school.  (Sounds awful this soon out of it, but kids love to take turns being the teacher.)

28.  Game day.  Pull out every board game you have and play them all, indoors or out.

29.  Drive in movie – have the kids spend a day making cars out of cardboard boxes and park them in the backyard at night and watch a movie outside.  (Just bring an old TV out and plug it in to an extension cord or something.)

30.  Spa day.  Give each other mud facials, manicures, etc.

31.  Go to the community pool.

32.  Invest in a slip n’ slide.  Hours of fun, all summer long.

33.  Teach your kids a new sport – tennis, baseball, whatever.

34.  Learn something new with your kids – chess, cross-stitch, French, anything that strikes your fancy.

35.  Check out a library book about plants and identify some in your neighborhood.  Same could be done for trees and bugs.

36.  Invite friends over.  All their old games and adventures will feel new if they have someone to share them with.

37.  Plant a garden or a flower.

38.  Practice your cartwheels, hand-stands, somersaults, etc.  Attach a ribbon to a dowel and do a ribbon dance.

39.  Make simple scenery and costumes and put on a play.  Or just use your imagination and skip the scenery.

40.  Play hopscotch or jump rope.

41.  Color in a coloring book.

42.  Explore a new part of town – is there a park or restaurant you haven’t tried?

43.  Build a bird feeder out of an empty milk carton.

44.  Go hiking.

45.  Make your own ice cream.

46.  Climb a tree.

47.  Wash the car.

48.  Go to a museum.  I bet you can find a free one near you.

49.  Go camping!  Don’t forget the s’mores.

50.  Have a carnival.  Tell your kids and their friends to make their own game or booth, invite them all to your backyard and have a blast!  Try making your own corn dogs, elephant ears, or snow cones.  (Or all of them if you like to slowly kill your innards like I do.)

Post Note - This is an article I wrote for a website about a year ago.  I was an idiot and just gave them my content for free.  Nice, huh?  So I'm re-posting it here because I can and because I think it's relevant, and they can bite me.

Fighting Summer Boredom

I have been around my kids almost 24 hours a day, seven days a week for a solid year now.  Homeschool.  It can drive you bonkers.

We now have the summer ahead of us, and I don't want to hear "I'm bored" on the first day.  So here's my plan of attack:

1.  Chore chart.  Each kid has a list of chores that must be completed in the A.M., prior to any outings, dvds, computer games or friend encounters.  The list also includes a 30 minute reading assignment every day as well as a simple math worksheet to keep their brains on "go" for the summer.

2.  Outings.  I've researched library shows with magicians, jugglers, and cowboys.  I've found a local Community Rec Mobile that does a three hour activity once a week with any kids who show up.  I have a zoo membership.  I know where a lot of good parks are.  We find new library books once a week.  We have a camping trip scheduled.  We'll find things to do a lot of days.

Which brings me to #3...

There will be a lot of days when we have nothing going on.  And gone is the era when you could send your kids out to play and remind them to be home in time for dinner.  So.  I've decided that each of my kids needs to choose at least 2 goals to work towards this summer as well as a minimum of 2 projects.  This will give them something to do to fill their time.  And these goals and projects are things that are meant to take several weeks to complete.  For example:

Cameron has finally decided that he likes reading.  Can I get a HALLELUJAH???!!!  So I suggested that perhaps a good goal for him would be to read a Harry Potter book by the end of the summer.   He's thinking about it.

Cameron has decided to plant a garden.  He's out there beating submission into our backyard with a rake right now.  Power to him.

Cameron also wants to build a birdhouse.  Great!  He'll have to research what kind of birds live in our area, what kind of house would suit them, then design one, and finally build and paint it.  I can get two weeks out of that, right?

Ethan is a little more difficult.  So far the only thing that has really gotten him excited is the thought of inventing his own cookie recipe.  I have no idea how that will turn out.  Could be fun, though.

And now I come to you good people - if there are any of you still here.

Got any good project/goal ideas for a ten and eight year old?  I could use some creative juices if you've got any to spare.

Thanks much!

Easter String Thing

Let's talk about Easter before it's too late, shall we? 

We have an odd tradition in our house.  I'm not sure how it got started, but it's the way things have been done since I was a kid, at least.  I loved it as a kid, but I had no clue what a pain in the butt it is for the adult performing the Easter Bunny duties.

The night before the Easter Bunny comes, each child leaves one of his shoes outside his bedroom door.  The Easter Bunny comes, ties a string to the shoe, and then trails it all over the house.  And I mean all over the house.  Under doors, through the bushes in the backyard, between the rungs of the ladder back chairs... You get the idea.  Easter morning, when everyone is awake, (6:10 AM this year, because my kids have a death wish), each kid follows his string, winding it up as they go, to the end of the line.  Wherever their string ends - their Easter basket is sure to be near.

And here's where the whole thing can go very, very wrong.

It was the Easter of 2007, (I think), and my husband and I had traveled to Idaho to spend Easter with his brother's family.  We had remembered to pack up all the Easter basket paraphernalia; and were thus very proud of ourselves. 

The night before Easter, one of my boys said, "I can't wait for Easter to be here!  I love the string!"  And I then remembered that I had forgotten to bring any string. 

No biggie - I just sent the husband off to buy some.  At 10:00 on a Saturday night.  Of course, the only store that was open was Albertson's, and oddly enough, they don't stock string.  Not even with their Easter wares!  They also did not carry yarn, rope, thread, jump ropes, or anything that could double as string.  But they did have dental floss.  So the husband bought four packages of 100 yards of dental floss and smilingly presented it to me back at the house.

It wasn't string, but it would have to do.  We can't be disappointing the children, now.

The next morning we had church really, really early, and with gobs of people to get ready, we decided to tell the kids that the Easter Bunny would come while we were at church.  I came home between Sacrament Meeting and Sunday School to weave the magic "string" through the house.  (We go to church for three hours every Sunday.  We have awesome attention spans and are very holy.) 

And then everyone came home from church.  Some of the floss wound it's way through the carport, and that idiotic Easter Bunny put some of that floss at about neck level of an average adult.

Oops.

Thing about dental floss is that it isn't very stretchy, and it certainly doesn't cut well without the aid of that metal do-dad on it's packaging.  Also, it's really difficult stuff to see when it's strung across an open space.

My poor sister in law walked through the carport and caught some of that floss right across the throat.

It looked like she had been decapitated.  It bled a little, got really red, and was certainly very sore.  (Sorry Marcy.)

Moral of the story:  Stupid Easter Bunny should never use dental floss in lieu of string. (And take pictures of grotesque injuries.  I wish I had one of Marcy's neck to show you.)

Ten Lessons Learned On My First Black Friday

1.  If you don't like waiting in two hour lines, Toys R Us is not the best idea on Black Friday.

2.  Toys R Us hates their customers.  They demonstrate this by only letting 50 people in their store at a time (when the maximum capacity is much higher than that) and leaving their other patrons out in the nine degree weather.

3.  People who stand in nine degree weather for two hours in order to save twenty-five dollars are pathetic.  (Hand raised.)

4.  If you're going to be standing outside for a while in that nine degree weather, you really ought to wear more than a hoodie, a light coat, jeans, and tennis shoes.  Wool socks and blankets would be a wise choice.  As well as a head examination.

5.  Old Navy cashiers are either super slow, or everyone but me bought at least thirty things.

6.  Regret does not fully describe the emotion you feel when you realize that you waited in the cold in an Old Navy line for half an hour, and then waited in the check-out line for another hour only to return the items you bought the next day.  Except for the socks - those we're keeping.

7.  McDonalds and Burger King serve burgers and fries until four in the morning on Black Friday.  Who eats cheeseburgers at four in the morning?  So when you're really craving a hash brown and a bacon and cheese Croissanwich with a side of O.J. at three fifteen in the morning after standing in the nine degree weather for an eternity, you'll be stuck going to a gas station for a breakfast sandwich, even though your mother taught you better.  And you'll be so hungry that that sandwich will taste awesome...until you have to get out of the car to get behind a thousand people in line at Target and the chill of the air instantly zaps all the heat from your sandwich.  Then it tastes like tainted egg product.

8.  After all that time standing in line in nine degree weather wearing no gloves, tennis shoes, jeans, and a light coat, you'll only be able to stare at your feet while you pray that your toes don't break off.  And you'll wonder what possessed your little sister to bring her ice cold Dr. Pepper with her into the Target line.  But you won't be able to ask her, because your lips are frozen together.

9.  Target loves their customers much more than Toys R Us.  They don't make anyone stand in the cold while idiot women debate the merits of two different Bratz Dolls.  They let everyone in all at once.  It made me want to kiss the first clerk I saw.   And I would have, if I hadn't been busy snatching a Toy Story 3 DVD while trying not to run to the stack of Eyeclops Night Vision Binoculars for $25.

10.  I was pleasantly surprised to find that Target had adequately stocked their shelves and most things were easy to find.  I got everything on my list, and for the first time in the history of the world, every single check-out station was open.  And even though I cursed my stupidity for getting into this Black Friday mess, and wished a thousand times that I had never opened that newspaper full of ads, and wished even harder for the painful death of whatever idiot at Toys R Us came up with the fifty people at a time rule...I got in the car with Kellie when we were all finished, and we turned to look at each other, and we smiled.  And we high-fived each other.  And then we told each other that we were so glad we had done it because that five pack of Andy's Toys from Toy Story 3 for thirty bucks was totally worth it.  So what if I have frost bite on my nose?

Thanksgiving Movies

You know how Thanksgiving always gets the shaft because as soon as Trick-or-Treating is over the stores shove Christmas down our throats?  I am trying really hard not to skip Thanksgiving this year and to think of it as it's own holiday - not just a kick-off to Christmas.

I'll admit that I've been listening to Christmas music here and there...in the car or while I pack boxes.  But that's as far as it's gone.  I haven't decorated for Christmas yet, and we have not watched a single Christmas movie.  

But I have watched a couple of Thanksgiving movies.  Wow, right?!?  Did you even know there were Thanksgiving movies?  FYI - Pocahontas is not one of them.  That's just a "white man sucks" movie.  Or so my kids tell me.  

Home For the Holidays is a quirky, funny flick starring Holly Hunter and Robert Downey Jr.  I love a quirky movie.  They're the best kind.  Read the synopsis here.

Pieces of April is a low-budget  Indy film with that chick that Tom Cruise has held hostage for several years....Katie Holmes.  Sorry - couldn't think of her name for a minute there.  It's kinda heavy, but still entertaining.  Synopsis here.

Anyhow - hope you're all enjoying your pre-Thanksgiving festivities and getting stuff marked off of your "To Do" list!

Snow and Presents

There's nothing like waking up to a fresh blanket of snow.  Flakes still falling from the sky and landing in a still silent world.  No footprints across the lawn, no tire tracks down the street; just stillness. 

There's also nothing like watching four little boys tramp through that snow, messing it all up.

We did a teensy, tiny bit of Christmas shopping today and it gave me terrible anxiety.  Once I start I just want to finish.  But I'm waiting for Black Friday because I told my sister I would.  I hope she appreciates the self-restraint that's costing me.  

I only have parents and my kids left to buy for.  Yeah - the hardest ones.  Andrew and I can't decide what to get for our older boys.  We feel like it needs to be something that they can use indoors because we're headed for the land of eternal rain. But it also has to be something small because there's a very good chance we'll end up in an apartment out there. And the last thing we want to do is get them video games of any kind.  I think the only option left is Barbies. Other suggestions are welcome.  

As for the parents - I think all three of them are going to get Christmas sweaters as punishment for being so hard to buy for. Someone needs to answer that age-old question - What do you get for the person who has everything?  Ten points to anyone who can solve that dilemma.  Minus ten points if you suggest something I have to make.

 

Thanksgiving Dinner Tips and a 5QF

 Can you even believe that Thanksgiving is next week?  I can't.  But I'm excited because my sis and her family are coming from Washington, and the women in my family are all going to give Black Friday a try.  We're Black Friday virgins.  I pulled up some online ads today, just to see what the big deal was, and it gave me anxiety.  I think I might hate the whole thing, but at least I'll be in good company.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, I thought I'd share a couple of pictures from last year.  They include tips.  Yey! Here's tip #1:

If you use freshly ground cinnamon on your cherry pie, it's going to look like pepper and people will think you're nuts.

Tip #2:

If you use all the booze to baste the turkey, you're going to be left with only Dr. Pepper to drink while you cook.  That's my mom, who wouldn't drink booze anyway.  Not when you can put it on turkey.

 Anyway...on to Five Question Friday.

1. What Christmas song do you loathe?

Feliz Freaking Navidad.  The repetition in that song makes me rock back and forth while screaming.  It should be banned from all radio stations.  I can't even think about it anymore.

2. Do you and your significant other cuddle at night or sleep on opposite sides of the bed?

I like a little spooning action for about two minutes and then I need him to get the heck off me because just his arm weighs a hundred pounds and his average body temperature is five thousand degrees.  Love you though, Babe.

3. Have you ever had surgery?

I had a Mitchell Bunionectomy when I was 14.  Yes, I have bunions.  You thought it was an old people disease - right?  Well, it probably is, but I have a lot of old people diseases.  I'm one step away from progeria.  If you don't know what that is, then you need to spend an hour watching the weird shows my nine year old records on the DVR.  Discovery Health is a bad, bad channel for anyone who suffers from hypochondria. 

4. When do you typically have your holiday shopping done?

 About two weeks before Christmas.  One year I had it all done before Thanksgiving.  It was the only time in my life that I felt like a genuine over-achiever.  

5. If money were not an issue (and you HAD to pick something), what would your ultimate luxury item be?

I girlfriend for my man, a really nice camera, or a maid.  Oh, forget it.  A maid all the way because that could double for number one as well.

 Link up, people.  It's what all the cool kids are doing.

Or be hip like Pop, and just leave your answers in the comments. I love that even more!

Holiday Gift Guide - Children's Books

I love to read.  I have loved it since I was a child.  I keep hoping that my children will someday unlock the magic that is being consumed by a book, and love it as I do.  So I encourage them to read by introducing them to some favorites from my childhood.  If you're looking for some good books to give this Christmas, you've come to the right place.

Heckedy Peg by Don and Audrey Wood.

I suppose this book could be a bit scary if your kids are the mamsy-pamsy type, but if they can handle a witch story that comes out all right in the end, then they'll love this.  The pictures are amazing, and the story is phenomenal.  A poor woman leaves her seven children alone while she goes to town to buy them each a gift.  The children are tricked by a witch and she turns them all into food for her feast.  The poor mother must save her children by figuring out which child is which food.  Now that I've written that, it sounds a little odd.  But trust me, it's good.  Click the picture to read the Amazon.com reviews.  (For all these books.)

Roxaboxen by Alice Mclerran.

This book is pure, simple imagination. Childhood without gadgets.  Remember when kids had imagination?  Yeah. This book is about a group of kids who make an imaginary world in the hills near their houses.  It's completely told in a narrative from one of the women who lived it in real life. Just makes ya feel good.

For the Reluctant Reader, I recommend Shel Silverstein.  His big books of silly poems are perfect for a child's humor.  Unfortunately, my sons do not like to read - especially chapter books.  My oldest is discouraged just looking at page after page of words and long chapters.  But he will sit down with Where the Sidewalk Ends and devour poem after poem after poem and not realize that he has read the equivalent of a chapter from a larger, more daunting book.  And that's just fine with me.

And finally, ANYTHING by Roald Dahl.  Seriously, that man wrote for children.  He was a gift to the world of children's literature.  My boys LOVE his stories.  Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Witches, Matilda, The BFG, Danny Champion of the World, The Twits, George's Marvelous Medicine - you honestly can't go wrong.  To further prove the brilliance of Mr. Dahl, I present to you his poem about Television....

Television

The most important thing we've learned,
So far as children are concerned,
Is never, NEVER, NEVER let
Them near your television set --
Or better still, just don't install
The idiotic thing at all.
In almost every house we've been,
We've watched them gaping at the screen.
They loll and slop and lounge about,
And stare until their eyes pop out.
(Last week in someone's place we saw
A dozen eyeballs on the floor.)
They sit and stare and stare and sit
Until they're hypnotized by it,
Until they're absolutely drunk
With all that shocking ghastly junk.
Oh yes, we know it keeps them still,
They don't climb out the window sill,
They never fight or kick or punch,
They leave you free to cook the lunch
And wash the dishes in the sink --
But did you ever stop to think,
To wonder just exactly what
This does to your beloved tot?
IT ROTS THE SENSE IN THE HEAD!
IT KILLS IMAGINATION DEAD!
IT CLOGS AND CLUTTERS UP THE MIND!
IT MAKES A CHILD SO DULL AND BLIND
HE CAN NO LONGER UNDERSTAND
A FANTASY, A FAIRYLAND!
HIS BRAIN BECOMES AS SOFT AS CHEESE!
HIS POWERS OF THINKING RUST AND FREEZE!
HE CANNOT THINK -- HE ONLY SEES!
'All right!' you'll cry. 'All right!' you'll say,
'But if we take the set away,
What shall we do to entertain
Our darling children? Please explain!'
We'll answer this by asking you,
'What used the darling ones to do?
'How used they keep themselves contented
Before this monster was invented?'
Have you forgotten? Don't you know?
We'll say it very loud and slow:
THEY ... USED ... TO ... READ! They'd READ and READ,
AND READ and READ, and then proceed
To READ some more. Great Scott! Gadzooks!
One half their lives was reading books!
The nursery shelves held books galore!
Books cluttered up the nursery floor!
And in the bedroom, by the bed,
More books were waiting to be read!
Such wondrous, fine, fantastic tales
Of dragons, gypsies, queens, and whales
And treasure isles, and distant shores
Where smugglers rowed with muffled oars,
And pirates wearing purple pants,
And sailing ships and elephants,
And cannibals crouching 'round the pot,
Stirring away at something hot.
(It smells so good, what can it be?
Good gracious, it's Penelope.)
The younger ones had Beatrix Potter
With Mr. Tod, the dirty rotter,
And Squirrel Nutkin, Pigling Bland,
And Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle and-
Just How The Camel Got His Hump,
And How the Monkey Lost His Rump,
And Mr. Toad, and bless my soul,
There's Mr. Rate and Mr. Mole-
Oh, books, what books they used to know,
Those children living long ago!
So please, oh please, we beg, we pray,
Go throw your TV set away,
And in its place you can install
A lovely bookshelf on the wall.
Then fill the shelves with lots of books,
Ignoring all the dirty looks,
The screams and yells, the bites and kicks,
And children hitting you with sticks-
Fear not, because we promise you
That, in about a week or two
Of having nothing else to do,
They'll now begin to feel the need
Of having something to read.
And once they start -- oh boy, oh boy!
You watch the slowly growing joy
That fills their hearts. They'll grow so keen
They'll wonder what they'd ever seen
In that ridiculous machine,
That nauseating, foul, unclean,
Repulsive television screen!
And later, each and every kid
Will love you more for what you did.

Roald Dahl

And now, I'm headed over to check out more childrens book recommendations on Mama M.'s Holiday Gift Guide.

*If you haven't already, be sure to enter my giveaway from Get Hooked Designs!*