BikeGlow Discount For You!

Have you ever heard of BikeGlow?  Have you ever almost hit someone on a bike with your car?  Has your child been run over by a car while riding his bike?  Have you ever worried about your child being hit by a car in the dark while he's riding his bike?

If you answered "YES!" to any of these questions, then you need to visit Organic Enchilada today and find out how you can prevent your child from being smooshed into the pavement because they were riding their bike in the dark.  There's a 25% off coupon code for your very own BikeGlow Safety Light!  Yey!  Now go check it out!

(And is it weird that I can't help but wonder what else you could put one of those lights on?  It's not like there's a rule that says you have to put it on a bike, or even use it outdoors.  I'm thinking I might buy one for my dad to add to "Grandpa's Fun Drawer".  Ahem.)

White Trash Security System

At five o'clock tonight I ordered my oldest two kids to their room for the remainder of the night.  I told them they could leave the room once every two hours for a bathroom and water break.  What did they do to earn such a punishment?  It doesn't matter, really.

So anyway, after dinner the kids had been in their room for about an hour and a half, and the hubs wanted me to go with him to the grocery store for a couple of items.  I told him I couldn't because I was monitoring the ongoing punishment of our hooligans.  He told me we would be quick - like a half hour - so I agreed.  (Our kids are old enough to be left home alone for a half hour, so don't flip out.  We took the younger ones with us.)

I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking that the second I left the house those two boys of mine were down the stairs and into the candy cupboard and raising all kinds of hell.

But they didn't.

How can I be so sure?  I'll tell you.  It's a trick I learned from my dad.

First, I gave my kids a phone and instructions that they were only allowed out of their room while I was gone if there was a fire or some other emergency.  I told them that if they opened the door, I would know it, and then they would not be allowed to go to the Harry Potter party at the library tomorrow.  (We're geeks, so that threat worked.)

Then I shut the door, took a piece of Scotch tape about two inches long, and made a small cut about halfway through the middle.  (You have to be careful here not to cut the piece of tape all the way in half.  Just a little slice will do.)

Then I put the first half of the tape on the door jamb and the other half of the piece of tape on the door itself.  The piece of tape is still intact, but that slice is right over where the door and the door jamb connect.

Wha-lah.  Done.

So when I got home a few minutes later, I went upstairs and checked the tape.  If the boys had opened the door, the tape would have torn right where I made the slice and I would have had two separate pieces of tape.  Like so:

As it was - I still had one piece of tape; not completely cut in two.

Guess we're going to the Harry Potter party tomorrow.  But I'm sure as heck not going to the movie until it's been out long enough that the hoards of  people who dress like wizards and clap at the end have already been there, done that.

Fifty Things To Do This Summer

It never fails – kids look forward to summer vacation nearly as much as Christmas, and twelve hours into it we hear the first, “Mom, I’m bored.  What can I do?”

We’re all glad for a break from the rigorous schedule of school, but not having to do anything turns into having nothing to do rather quickly.

Kids need to be engaged in something new almost daily or you’ll soon have a couch potato or two on your hands.  So in case you’re suffering from the summer blues already, or just want to be proactive, here’s a list of things your might want to do this summer.

1.  Build a fort in the backyard.  Cardboard boxes, blankets, whatever ya got.

2.  Make Kool-Aid ice.  (Fill an ice tray with Kool-Aid, freeze it, eat it alone or in a drink.)

3.  Fly a kite.  Make your own if you’re feeling ambitious.

4.  Pack a dinner and take it to the park.

5.  For that matter, you could have a picnic right in your backyard, or your living room on a rainy day.

6.  Bake cookies.  (In the morning if it’s hot!)

7.  Let the kids set up a Popsicle or lemonade stand.

8.  Play doctor.  Now, don’t go thinking this is dirty.  You get an old phone and a notebook for making appointments, a card table for a reception desk, maybe a waiting room in the living room and the exam room in the kitchen?  Be sure to have band-aids and gauze for any ailing patients.

9.  Have a bike race.

10.  Or a bike parade!  Let the kids decorate their bikes with streamers and balloons.

11.  Run through sprinklers.

12.  Play-doh creation contest.  See who can build the best alien, wedding cake, longest snake, etc..

13.  Movie day!  Pop popcorn, give out tickets, make posters with show times, invite the neighbor kids.

14.  Make a bug habitat and find some residents for it.

15.  Go to the library.  Most have pretty cool summer programs going on.

16.  Tell the kids to plan a talent show for Mom and Dad to watch.  (Or grandparents?)

17.  Let the kids make their own summer scrapbooks and spend three months filling it up!

18.  Read a book under a tree with an apple.

19.  Pick berries at a farm.

20.  Watch for community activities throughout the summer – check your city’s web page.

21.  Water balloon fight, or water balloon volleyball  – (two kids hold opposite ends of a towel and launch a balloon across a net or imaginary line, team on the other side has to catch it in their towel and re-launch to the other side.)

22.  Sidewalk chalk mural in the driveway.  Make it HUGE!

23.  Sleep under the stars.

24.  Take a walk through the neighborhood, let the kids take a picture with your camera of something they’d like to paint, (a rosebush, a pond, a bug…), and come home and let them paint their representation of it.

25.  Visit an elderly neighbor who might need some company.

26.  Visit Dad at work and go to lunch together.

27.  Play school.  (Sounds awful this soon out of it, but kids love to take turns being the teacher.)

28.  Game day.  Pull out every board game you have and play them all, indoors or out.

29.  Drive in movie – have the kids spend a day making cars out of cardboard boxes and park them in the backyard at night and watch a movie outside.  (Just bring an old TV out and plug it in to an extension cord or something.)

30.  Spa day.  Give each other mud facials, manicures, etc.

31.  Go to the community pool.

32.  Invest in a slip n’ slide.  Hours of fun, all summer long.

33.  Teach your kids a new sport – tennis, baseball, whatever.

34.  Learn something new with your kids – chess, cross-stitch, French, anything that strikes your fancy.

35.  Check out a library book about plants and identify some in your neighborhood.  Same could be done for trees and bugs.

36.  Invite friends over.  All their old games and adventures will feel new if they have someone to share them with.

37.  Plant a garden or a flower.

38.  Practice your cartwheels, hand-stands, somersaults, etc.  Attach a ribbon to a dowel and do a ribbon dance.

39.  Make simple scenery and costumes and put on a play.  Or just use your imagination and skip the scenery.

40.  Play hopscotch or jump rope.

41.  Color in a coloring book.

42.  Explore a new part of town – is there a park or restaurant you haven’t tried?

43.  Build a bird feeder out of an empty milk carton.

44.  Go hiking.

45.  Make your own ice cream.

46.  Climb a tree.

47.  Wash the car.

48.  Go to a museum.  I bet you can find a free one near you.

49.  Go camping!  Don’t forget the s’mores.

50.  Have a carnival.  Tell your kids and their friends to make their own game or booth, invite them all to your backyard and have a blast!  Try making your own corn dogs, elephant ears, or snow cones.  (Or all of them if you like to slowly kill your innards like I do.)

Post Note - This is an article I wrote for a website about a year ago.  I was an idiot and just gave them my content for free.  Nice, huh?  So I'm re-posting it here because I can and because I think it's relevant, and they can bite me.

How To Go To The Hospital

When I had that stroke last month it happened at 12:30 in the afternoon.  I had not showered yet that day, and I was kinda smelly.  As in, "Crap, I have that 'not so fresh feeling' and I'm headed to the hospital where body prodding is sure to take place."   But there was no time to stop for a shower, so I just had to make excuses for my smell to every doctor, RN, CNA, LPN, neurologist and intern who came within two feet of me.  I was hooked up to heart monitors all night and all the next day, so I didn't get to shower until about dinner time on day two.  When I was all lovely and clean and back in bed, a nurse came in to hook me up to monitors again, and she said, "It smells good in here!  Did you take a shower?"  Yes, she really said that.  I told her that I had in fact showered, but that she was probably smelling the roses my sister had brought me.

Hospital tip #1:   Murphy's Law sort of dictates that no one will be going to the hospital when they are looking their best, so if you end up in the ER smelling like a homeless person in July, just take a look around you and feel better.  It's likely you aren't the most disgusting person in the room.

2.  Even in a serious situation I cannot help but making stupid, inappropriate jokes.  Such as:  When finding out I have a nodule on my thyroid, (totally unrelated to reason for being at the hospital, but a favorite topic for Idiot Doctor), I asked him if that's why I was fat?  You know - "It's my thyroid."  And then taking bets for when the doctors were going to ask me when I'd had my double mastectomy.  Flat chested jokes are sometimes just wrong.  Also, I was so bored at times that I had to fight off the urge to fake a seizure for the entertainment of...Ok, I suppose just for my own entertainment.  Also, once you've had thirty or so neurological tests and you have the questions and movements memorized, you start to feel like slurring your speech and poking yourself in the eye just to give the nurses something different to do.

Hospital Tip #2:  Think before you speak.  And if you're well enough to be joking, even inappropriately, that would be a blessing, so don't be too hard on yourself.  But when you're perfectly coherent and sane and a nurse asks you if you know where you are, try not to spend too much time thinking of comedic responses, because when it takes you a while to come up with an answer it starts to look like you really might not know the right one.

3.  Some doctors do not know as much about your condition as you do.  He won't like to admit this, so he will go home at night and Google what you told him is wrong with you.  He will come back the next morning and tell you that he "did some research".  Then he will draw a picture for you of what you already knew.  It will look like a picture of Spiderman.  The doctor will feel like he is educating you, and it's ok to roll your eyes and call said doctor a dumb ass.  Some doctors need a little humility.

Hospital Tip #3:  A medical degree does not an intelligent person make.  If you think your doctor might be a moron, demand a new one.  You have that right.

4.  This one's important.  If a whole heap of people are going to be working on your chest doing ultrasounds or EKG's or whatever, you should make sure you don't have two nipple hairs growing out of your right mammory.  And no, I do not speak from personal experience, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Hospital Tip #4:  When you do those self-breast-exams monthly like you're supposed to, be sure you check for unwanted hair.  Cause, Dude.

5.  When you're bored your sister might help you take pictures that you think are funny, but those pictures will not amuse your husband in the slightest because he is still stuck on the fact that you could die at any moment and won't be ready to laugh yet.  His lack of a sense of humor in this situation may actually make you love him more.

Hospital Tip #5:  Bring a person with you to the hospital who will keep things light, and another who will act like the world will stop moving if you die, will swear at Idiot Doctor, and who will later tell you that you can't post a picture of yourself drooling because not only is it not funny, it's also insensitive.

Simple Ways To Teach Your Kids Virtues

We all want to teach our kids to be compassionate, honest, and responsible, but sometimes it's hard to explain these concepts to them in a way they understand.

I'm here to make it easy for you. You just have to speak their language. Here are some examples of simple ways to explain tough concepts to your small children...

Honesty is admitting to Daddy that you really like Mom's grilled cheese better.

Integrity is washing your butt crack even though you know Mom won't smell it to make sure that you did; like she does with your feet and hair.

Kindness is cheering for Mom when she tries to kick a soccer ball in a straight line instead of laughing at her.

Obedience is doing what you're told BEFORE the blood vessels in Mom's neck pop out.

Bravery is daring to fart when you really have to poop.

Responsibility is getting to wear your new hoodie to school more than once because you didn't lose it on the first day.

Chivalry is holding the back door open for Mom when her arms are full of groceries. You know, instead of slamming it in her face.

 There you go!  And you're welcome!

How To Be A Gracious House Guest

Welcome back, everyone! In case you missed yesterday's How To Be A Stellar Hostess, you can read it here. It's compulsory, in fact. There might be a quiz.

Today, we're discussing part two - being a gracious house guest. These tips are just as important as those of the hostess. You do after all, want to be invited back, right? *Again, I will say that these tips are things I've found helpful while staying overnight in someone's home, but I'm not claiming that I actually do them all.*

• Arrive when you say you will. Perhaps your host is preparing dinner for you and if you come late, their efforts will have gone to waste. Unless the man of the house is a human garbage disposal, and that's not going to be appreciated by the wife, either.

• Happily accept whatever accommodations are provided you and refrain from pointing out how much better your own house is.

• Offer to help. Often, you'll be turned down and told to just relax, but failure to be considerate and grateful will make you look like a jerk. Jerks don't get dessert.

• Try to keep your personal belongings contained in one spot. Stringing your toiletries all over the bathroom counter and leaving your bra or dirty socks hanging about the living room is distasteful.

• Bodily functions and noises are only funny in your own house. OK, and at my house. So unless you're home, or crashing at my place, put a cork in it.
  

• Don't pee in their shower. Do what you will in your own home, but don't desecrate the place where your host bathes her children. This concept could apply to other things, but I'll leave it there for your further contemplation.

• Adjust your life to the habits of your host. If they are early risers, don't sleep in and then get all bent out of shape when their toddler bursts into fits of laughter and wakes you up at 11:30 A.M.

• It's not going to hurt you to try new things. If your hostess is preparing a feast of dolmades and souvlaki, forget about the boring pot roast that you insist on every Sunday evening, and give the new food a taste. Picky eaters are never welcome guests, so find a way to get yourself or your kids past it. However, if your host is that goat blood drinker or considers tofu an acceptable form of protein, offer to pay for take-out.

• If you bring kids with you, don't forget their leash/time-out chair/wooden spoon/duct tape/straight jacket, or whatever else you use to keep them under control. Nothing will make your hostess want to invent an excuse for you to leave like a pack of unruly children with no regard for her furniture or level of migraine.

• Also keep in mind that your pets are not necessarily welcome. Best to ask first, and if you know your host is not an animal person, (my hand is raised), don't even think about it.

• Even if the cleanliness of the host's home gave you the willies, or the conversation was dull, or you unexpectedly had to sleep on the floor with the dust mites, send a thank you note when you get home. That way, if you vow to never go near those people again, you at least won't have hurt anyone's feelings.

That should give us all a good base to jump from, but please add your own thoughts and tips in the comments section!

How To Be A Stellar Hostess

I've played hostess to a number of overnight guests in my time; both family and friends, and oddly enough, perfect strangers. I thought I'd share a few of my tips with you, just in case you are expecting company and are completely clueless as to what your responsibilities are. *Keep in mind that I never claimed that I actually do any of these things, I'm just saying they're a good idea.*

• Providing decent pillows is essential. You can try using a freshly laundered pillowcase to hide the old, nasty, brown pillow complete with blood stains from your child's nose picking days, but it's usually best to just buy yourself some guest pillows. You can get them cheap, and only a rude guest would point out their dissatisfaction with your Wal-Mart Special. You don't care about those types of guests, anyway.

• Wake up in the morning prior to your company. It's awkward for your guest to have to figure out what to feed your kids for lunch all on their own.

• Remove all hair from the bar soap in the shower. This will save your guest from tedious picking and possible shower vomit. If you want to go above and beyond, buy a bottle of body wash and a cute little puff. Never share puffs. That's just nasty.

• Clean the toilet. No one likes to lift the lid and find trace evidence of previous bathroom users.

• Make sure the bathroom is well stocked with toilet paper and a wastebasket. You don't want your guest improvising on how to wipe or dispose of feminine products.

• Hide your good snacks so that you don't feel resentment towards your guest for eating all your favorite treats. Resentment shows itself in ugly, subtle ways.

• If you have a weird diet consisting mostly of tofu, bean sprouts, and the blood of young goats, don't expect your guest to eat your normal fare. Stock a few normal foods; like pasta, chicken, and Pretzel MnM's. You can eat your tofu and goat blood while they feel content with their Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.

• When your guest is bringing children, don't be afraid to make the house rules clear. For example, "We don't paint the walls with nail polish, we don't ride the dog like a horse, we don't explore the contents of someone else's refrigerator, we don't trade toys for keeps, and we don't use the couch for a trampoline." You let something slide just once, and it won't take long to regret it.

• If you drink, don't do it excessively in front of your guests. They might catch on to you.

Should you have some Stellar Tips of your own, please share them with us in the comments section. And be sure to check back tomorrow when we discuss the traits of a good house guest.

Discipline: The Creative Part of Parenting

From the very beginning, Andrew and I have tried EVERYTHING. We have spanked, given time outs, made them stand with noses in the corner - everything.

I'm talking about punishments.

That nose in the corner one did nothing but elicit snickers from the child being punished. Won't do that a second time.

Andrew and I became parents without having a firm game-plan for how to discipline our kids. We just kinda figured we'd wait for something to happen before we decided what to do. The reality is, you can't have a game-plan until you know who you're dealing with.

And you don't know who you're dealing with until your kid starts doing their thing. So about the time your kid turns two, you'll know who he is and how best to handle him.

I've learned that no matter what form of discipline you choose, follow through is the most important part. You can't count to three, (without ever actually getting to three), and expect a toddler to take you seriously.

And maybe I'm just impatient, but I never have liked that counting to three business. Not only have I never seen anyone arrive at the dreaded number, but why in the world would I want to give my kid to the count of three to decide whether or not to obey me? When I tell them to do something, I want them to do it NOW. Not after I count to three using every fraction I can on the way there.

When I was little, my sister and I got caught jumping on our beds. My dad told us not to jump on the beds several times until finally he had had enough and said that if we jumped on them one more time he was going to throw them out the window.

We jumped again.

And what could my dad do? He brought in his tools, took apart our beds and chucked each piece out the window. My sister and I were left to sleep on the floor.

We never jumped on our beds again. Ever.

So there you have it! All you have to do is mean what you say. If you tell your child he can't go to Tommy's birthday party if he continues to pick on his sister, and sister continues to get picked on, you have to have the guts to break your kid's heart and teach him that you expect his obedience.

But that's easier said than done, isn't it?

It stinks to punish our kids. We've all heard the phrase, "This hurts me more than it hurts you," right before we felt a swat to our bottoms. I really didn't believe that until I was the parent.

I have always been a fan of making the punishment fit the crime. If my kids are hurling insults at each other and I can't take listening to them scream, "Butt-licker!", one more time, I make them stand facing one another and compliment each other until they are laughing together. If someone leaves their dishes on the table and a smaller person comes along and hurls their cereal bowl against the wall, then the dish-leaver gets to clean up the mess, and they may as well mop the entire floor while they're at it.

You get the idea - right?

Well, over the past several weeks, my two oldest boys have been making me so crazy with their constant whining and bickering that I have ground all my teeth down to nubs and pulled all but three of my hairs out. I felt like I need to be tossed into a padded room and left for a few days.

I had tried everything to get them to be pleasant. They spent a lot of time alone in their rooms, but all that did was give them quiet time to come up with better insults and more things to complain about. I tried passing out additional chores, but those were never done to my satisfaction and whining continued for the duration. I tried distracting them with ideas of things to do. They turned them all down. I even tried whining right back at them and telling them how miserable they were making me. Turns out that whining breeds more whining.

So finally, one day this last week, Andrew saw me on the verge of another mental breakdown courtesy of our eldest children, and he employed one of the standard punishments from his own childhood. And it was gooooood!

Andrew kicked the kids outside to run laps around the house. If they were going to make our lives miserable, he was going to return the favor. Cameron ran until he was crying in pain from the stitch in his side, and Ethan worked up a respectable sweat.

When they had each completed their assigned laps, they came back inside and behaved like completely different children. Well, once Cameron stopped crying, anyway. They had learned that making our home unpleasant was going to result in feeling unpleasant themselves. It was raining and cold outside - it was not good weather for running. (When is it, really?)

Our home has been a peaceful haven ever since we began this ritual. We've only had to do it one additional time, and we got even better results after that one. It was like giving them a personality transplant.

So now, all we have to say to get the kids to behave is, "Do you know where your shoes are?"

Score one for the parents.

Confession Session - Safety Smarts

I have taught my kids some bad things - unintentionally of course.

For instance, I am trying to watch my language around them, so now, when I say, "Oh, (long pause), my, (long pause)...", my two-year-old finishes up for me.

"Hell," he concludes in an appropriately somber tone.

I am Yoda. The Master.

Believe it or not, I have taught my kids some good things, too.

Examples: They can clean a toilet.

They know how to pretend that nothing happened when Grandpa farts.

Most of them know how to wipe. Okay, one out of four knows how. Okay, he's not that good at it either. Let's change that one - They know how to keep their hands clean. (Don't wipe.)

And then there are some things that I've taught my kids that are both good and bad.

Case in point - I taught them that people who ride bikes and motorcycles without a helmet are stupid.

Not careless, not risky, not forgetful.

Stupid.

As in, dumb. They are morons. They are so idiotic that they don't care if their brains get splattered all over the pavement for a city worker to hose down like the aftermath of a squished raccoon. And I feel no guilt for teaching them to call certain people "Stupid".

So now, when we're driving down the road and see a slick guy dressed in black leather astride a hot looking chrome chopper with the sun glinting on the top of his shaved head, my kids chime in excitedly - "Look, Mom! That guy is STUPID!"

Yes, boys, yes he is.